it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
