I wish I only lived at night.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
