That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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