Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You made out with two different species that night
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
