So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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