Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
