He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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