remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
