All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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