i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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