somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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