she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
