No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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