so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
