If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
