Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
