I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
