I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I need a burrito and a hug.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
