Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
