worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
