3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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