Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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