do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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