I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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