Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
