Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
