After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I am in a vortex of obligation.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
