at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
