it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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