someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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