names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
