So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
