Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
