Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
