yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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