For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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