Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
