if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
