Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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