"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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