if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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