So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
