im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
