remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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