I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
