My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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