Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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