I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
