I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
