i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
