I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
And the cops told us we were all naked.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
